Homesickness: Helping Your Child Settle at Boarding School

One of the questions we are asked most often at Claire Calder Consultancy is:

"What if my child becomes homesick?"

The honest answer is that they probably will – at least to some degree.

Homesickness is a completely normal part of starting boarding school, and one of the most common concerns for boarding school parents.

Whether your child is joining at seven, eleven, thirteen or sixteen, they are beginning a whole new chapter in their life.

New friends, new teachers, a different routine and, for many, sleeping away from home every night for the first time. It is a huge adjustment.

As parents, we know that boarding school offers wonderful opportunities. We understand the benefits of independence, confidence, resilience and lifelong friendships. That doesn't make it any easier when the first tearful phone call comes.

I know because I have been there myself. Over the years, we have also supported many families through exactly the same experience, and I can reassure you that what feels overwhelming today almost always becomes just a small part of your child's boarding journey.

Both of my daughters boarded from the age of eight. One settled quickly. The other found homesickness much harder and, at times, I questioned whether we had made the right decision.

Looking back now, I can honestly say that boarding was one of the best decisions we ever made for both of them. Those early weeks weren't always easy, but homesickness did pass.

The good news is that almost every boarding school has helped countless children through exactly the same experience. Their boarding staff understand homesickness and know how to support children as they settle into school life. Good pastoral care can make an enormous difference during this settling-in period.

Work with the boarding house team

One of the most important pieces of advice for parents of new boarders I can give is to trust your child's boarding house team.

They have supported many children through homesickness and are experienced at recognising the difference between a child who simply needs reassurance and one who requires additional support.

If they tell you your child is settling normally, trust their judgement.

Equally, if they have concerns, they will discuss them with you and agree the best way forward.

Boarding works best when parents and school work together.

Encourage them to get involved

Homesickness often feels worst during quieter moments.

The children who settle most quickly are usually those who throw themselves into boarding life.

Encourage your child to try new activities, join clubs, play sport or simply spend time with their new friends.

My younger daughter joined running club, CCF, choir, and the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award. Looking back, she laughs that she probably took on too much, but having plenty to do helped her feel part of the school community. As she settled in, she naturally focused on the activities she enjoyed most.

Keep contact positive

Every family is different, but during the first few weeks it often helps to keep phone calls fairly short and positive.

Ask about what has gone well that day.

Who did they have lunch with?

What lesson did they enjoy?

What are they looking forward to tomorrow?

Try not to focus too much on what they are missing at home. However tempting it is to tell them about family outings or what the dog has been doing, those conversations can sometimes make homesickness feel worse.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given came from our daughter's boarding house. She always phoned just before bedtime when she was exhausted, and that was often when the tears came.

The house staff suggested she called us during morning break or lunchtime instead. It made an enormous difference. Our conversations became happier, more positive and full of news about school life.

Stay calm and reassuring

This is probably the hardest advice of all.

Children are incredibly perceptive. If they sense that you are anxious or uncertain, they are likely to become more anxious themselves.

However difficult it feels, try to sound calm and confident. Let them know that missing home is perfectly normal and that you believe they will soon begin to feel settled.

Your confidence gives them confidence.

Little reminders of home

Sometimes the smallest things bring the greatest comfort.

Favourite photographs, a much-loved cuddly toy or a familiar blanket can make a new bedroom feel much more like home.

One wonderful suggestion came from the matron at my daughter's prep school. She suggested spraying my daughter's favourite teddy with my perfume before she returned to school.

It sounds such a simple thing, but it brought her enormous comfort.

During their boarding school years, I regularly sent both of my daughters handwritten cards and little notes in the post. They always loved receiving them and, looking back, I think those small reminders of home meant far more than I realised at the time.

The buddy system

Most boarding schools have buddy or mentor systems for new pupils.

These older pupils often experienced homesickness themselves and understand exactly how new boarders are feeling. They check in regularly, answer questions and help younger children settle into boarding life.

My own daughter found her buddy invaluable. Later, once she was happily settled, she naturally found herself reassuring and encouraging younger pupils who were going through exactly the same experience she had faced.

Avoid offering an escape route

This can be incredibly tempting.

Parents naturally want to ease their child's distress, but saying things such as:

"Let's just see how you feel until half-term."

or

"If you're still unhappy, we'll bring you home."

can actually make settling much harder.

Once a child believes there is an easy way out, they are less likely to commit to making boarding work.

Instead, acknowledge how they feel, reassure them that their feelings are completely normal and remind them that every new beginning takes time.

And finally...

Today, both of my daughters have left boarding school and are now at university.

When we look back, they both describe their boarding school years as some of the happiest years of their lives. They often talk about the friendships they made, the opportunities they enjoyed and the wonderful feeling of living alongside their friends every day.

Ironically, my younger daughter, who found homesickness so difficult in those early weeks, now says she wishes she could go back and give her eight-year-old and thirteen-year-old self one piece of advice.

"Don't waste a single tear. Trust the process. You'll find your friends, you'll settle, and before you know it, you won't want to leave."

Coming from someone who shed more than her fair share of tears during those first few terms, I think that's rather powerful.

As parents, it can be incredibly difficult to watch your child go through homesickness. But with patience, encouragement and the support of the boarding house team, it almost always passes.

Sometimes the child who struggles most at the beginning ends up loving boarding school the most.

If your child is finding the transition to boarding school difficult, or you would simply like to talk things through, we would be delighted to help. At Claire Calder Consultancy, we have supported many families through every stage of the boarding journey and are always happy to offer independent advice and reassurance.

Get in touch at: https://clairecalderconsultancy.com/

Article written by Linda Lloyd-Jones, Senior Consultant, Claire Calder Consultancy and shared with consent to MBS.